I actually took a trip to my grandparents house, which is remarkably computerless. So, sorry again.
I've really enjoyed blogging this, and I hope you enjoyed reading it. Oh, and I'm posting a poll on the top of the right sidebar about editing and rewriting The Dark King, so please vote on your opinion! Thanks!
The Dark King
Part Eight
By Jake
After breakfast the next day, Jarz, Szifa, and Haas set off in search of the cave where Jarz and Szifa had woken up.
Using the markers they had left before, they managed to find the cave after several hours of searching.
Haas began walking faster as soon as the cave came into sight, but stopped just before entrance.
Haas touched the walls wistfully, as if remembering a long lost memory, then turned to Jarz and Szifa. “Come, let us go farther in.”
They went to the end of the tunnel, and stopped before the strange, fluctuating wall at the back of the cave. “Well, now what do we do?” asked Szifa.
There was a short, eerie silence after Szifa spoke, and then Haas spoke three words in a strange, lilting language.
A slight tremor went through the rock, and a miniature picture of a mountain materialized on the wall, surrounded by mist and swirling colors.
“What...?” Jarz said, startled. It was the mountain crater they had fallen into, back in their own country.
Haas smiled sadly. “Here, my friends, is your way home. Do not ask me how I did it. I am not sure myself.” He pointed at the picture. “Walk through it, and you will find yourself home again.”
Szifa walked hesitatingly towards the picture, and stuck his hand into it. Shock registered on Szifa's face as his hand disappeared right into the wall.
Slowly, his body followed his hand, and Szifa appeared in the picture.
Jarz followed him slowly, forcing himself to go through the wall. A tingling sensation spread throughout his body, and he saw every color at once in a burst of light.
Then he was through, and baking in the hot summer sun.
Jarz turned back to the crater and saw a glowing, mysterious image of Haas's lonely figure, his hand raised in farewell.
The image slowly faded, giving a short glow to the darkness of the pit, and then blackness engulfed it.
“Farewell, my friend.” Jarz whispered. "Farewell."
He and Szifa turned and started back down the mountain, leaving the darkness of the pit to the brighness of the day.
The End
Good job, Jake. There are lots of unanswered questions, but as you said, we'll need to read your novel(s) for it all to make sense! Aside from some minor issues, you did a really good job, especially considering it just started out as a language arts project! Now I'm excited to read more of your work. Keep posting things~
ReplyDelete~God Bless~
@Eldra
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you liked The Dark King.
Unfortunately, I tend to be rather mysterious when it comes to my books. Some of the questions and concepts used in here and the first two of my novels won't be answered/used until MUCH later! (i.e. several books to a whole series later!)
Were any of the minor issues you mentioned brought up in previous comments? If they weren't, I'd love to hear them, so I can edit accordingly.
That being said, I think I'll finish this lengthy comment. :D
Well, probably the most pressing issue was that Jarz and Szifa weren't surprised enough by what was going on. (And, yes, I've already mentioned that!) On a related note: I think they were a little too trusting of Haas (though I understand that he's a good guy and the main characters need to like him). Also, it would be nice if you could put more detail into your locations, which I seem to be having problems with right now too. You could have also dragged out the fight scene at the end and made it really intense, though that isn't really necessary and is probably just what I'd like to see. (I love fight scenes entirely too much!)
ReplyDeleteI love the storyline, though I have no idea what it actually means. Will you post scenes from your novels on your blog or are you not ready to do that yet?
So I hope this helps you out. And now I'll finish my blabbering! (By the way, I was listening to Boomin' by tobyMac while I typed this out!)
~God Bless~
Yeah, tobyMac does that. :D
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the feedback.
As this was a first draft, I usually don't have a lot of description unless it's an intense moment. And I agree that I could've (and should've) pulled out that fight a bit longer, with a lot more description. And then there's those dratted Wases...
But thanks again!
Oh, yes. The Wases. They're everywhere, aren't they?
ReplyDeleteYep.
ReplyDeleteGreat finish, Jake! There ARE a lot of unanswered questions, but no biggie. I like when a story doesn't spell everything out, instead leaving some to our imaginations. ^^ Looking forward to seeing the edited version!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Gwendolyn!
ReplyDeleteI'm looking forward to reading the edited version too. :D I'm going to put a bit more plot in, to make things more interesting. :D