Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Why You Shouldn't Be A Writer

I suppose there's only one place to begin to talk about writing: how terrible it is.

Because really, if you're considering writing as a "hobby", or maybe you're a new writer trying a hand at things, stop where you are. Drop your pen or your computer or whatever. And run. Do as much as you can to get away from it, because once it has you, it'll never let you go.

It's ruined my life. It'll ruin yours.

You know those ridiculous medicines that have a list of side effects as long as the Mississippi River? Writing is one of them. It's almost a kind of dope. And the list of side effects includes:

Dreaminess, lack of attentiveness, obsessive bouts of staring at a blank computer screen, possible stress symptoms, cramped fingers, headaches, nausea (from the chocolate), lack of sleep, trouble sleeping, long showers, possible back problems, eye deterioration, possible social issues, and it's very possible to catch a psychological disease only known by its acronym: NaNoWriMo.

So get away while you still can. Never, ever write. Why? Why even ask? Why would you ask "Why not?" before jumping off a cliff or running to hug some random lion or throwing yourself into the penguin pool at the zoo? Writing will ruin your life, I assure you.

I've lost DAYS of my life because of writing. No doubt I'll die at the age of twenty, blind as a bat, without the hearing benefits, because I've blown out my ears with soundtracks.

It's an addiction. You need to get away from it. I'm already mired, there's no hope for me. I'll probably end my days with a pen in my hand, head on a computer keyboard.

Just keep going, they'll tell you. Voices of friends, bah! I can tell you which shoulder the voice is coming from, and it isn't the angelic one.

Just keep writing, you're doing fine, you'll end up fine, you'll love it. That's the sick thing, you end up loving the very thing that has you enslaved. I can still see through it, but I'm slowly going down. My day is approaching, the day when I won't have this mental clarity. I'll be a speculative-fiction-writing zombie from the movies. Night of the Living Writer. It's a scary thought.

You see me as Dr. Jekyll, but Mr. Hyde is on his way.

You'll be stuck to your couch, your wrists superglued to the computer so that you'll never get away. Heed my warning. You're still young and innocent, you can get away.

It reminds me of that Doctor Who episode. But those stupid people were like me. They went in when the walls had GET OUT scribbled all over them. Silly people. But now I'm mired: my head is above water, but I'm about to go under and be reborn as some dripping, sadistic writer.

Please, blog readers, I beg you. There might be hope for you.



Eagles Wings said...

Ah yes. Or you'll be stuck in the crazy house with the rest of us writers.

(Epic post XD Much love for it. )

Eldra said...

Ah, yes. The deadly side of writing. It won't show its face to the non-writers, but anyone who writes will testify to its potent power over live or write. I cannot be saved, for I, too, am a casualty, and I am doomed to forever walk this lonely, lonely road.

*snickers* Melodrama can be fun, hmm?

Clair~ said...

Oh, my. How brilliant. I laughed for ages :) It's so true, isn't it? I enjoyed it immensely.

But then, I always enjoy your posts.

Charlotte said...

Thankyou for completely summing up my misery. XD but I'm afraid I'm just that small bit too far gone to get out. I can see the doorway, I can almost reach it, but it's out of reach, it's right there, I can touch it with the tips of my fingers, but I can't get a hold on it. Save me! I'm doomed!

You're right, Eldra, melodrama is fun.

Epic post, Sir Jake, thank you.

The Director said...

*nods gravely* Yes, dear companions, flee from the madness to come! The rest of us are doomed now in unavoidable fate.

Btw, well put Sir Jake.

Pathfinder said...

*grave nod*
Aye, he speaks the truth. Listen while you can, before you're too far gone... *points shaking finger*
Learn from our mistakes....
*collapses into imagination*

Anonymous said...

Yes, BEWARE!!! *starts murmuring helplessly* Get out while you still can... poor unfortunate souls...

Great post! Made me laugh a LOT - and it's rare that something on the computer makes me laugh. (Unless it's my own dorky writing from three years ago. I laugh, then I blush and cry.)

Favorite parts - the side-effects, especially the nausea (from the chocolate [and the peppermint tea, I might add]), long showers, and NaNoWriMo. I'm afraid I'll die at twenty, too, blind and no hearing (from soundtracks, especially PotC...loud) and no thinking skills whatsoever. ("My characters won't do what they're supposed to! Ahh! Can't think... must eat chocolate...")

Loved it!!

Gillian Adams said...

That was hilarious! The downsides of writing. No one quite understands the trap until they're so hopelessly entangled that escape is as elusive as a shred of light in a thick fog. Hmm, reminds me of the Paths of the Dead in the movie of the Return of the King, "You cannot get out. The way is shut." ;)

But of course, writing has its benefits too, which to my word addled mind certainly outweigh the downfalls! Just don't jump into it without appreciating the dangers! :)

Ninja Tim said...

Ah, what a wretched creature the writer is! Unable even to warn those who still have a chance at escape to a life of happiness and usefulness, except through the very medium in which they are slowly drowning... writing.

There's got to be a study out there somewhere confirming that writers die young. -_-

"Careful with your fingers! Don't touch writing! You don't know what it is to write. It's a crushing task; it bends your spine, blurs your eyesight, creases your stomach and cracks your ribs."
~ Late medieval manuscript