Friday, May 7, 2010

The Dark King, Part One

Okay, here's the beginning of the short story. If you spot any mistakes, (my spell and grammar check isn't working on my Word), please comment and tell me! Must be the first time I ever asked someone to criticize me...

Anyway, it's titled 'The Dark King'. Unfortunately, it is not allegorical, although it does have mysterious ties to my novel. :)

It actually was a language arts thing. I had to write a narrative story, and when I asked my mom, she said she didn't care how long it was. Haha! So I worked for the next day on it, and it ended up being three and a half thousand words. Nice, right?


The Dark King
(Part One)

By Jake


The fiery sun beat down on the two hikers as they slowly climbed higher. They seemed to be close friends, grinning at one another through the sweat lining their brows.

They stopped at the edge of a gaping crater, panting for breath. They were smiling in exhiliration, glad that they had finally made it to the top. One of them, a tall but stout man, turned and admired the extravagent view from the top of the crater. He whistled through his teeth.

“My, it is beautiful. Well worth it, I'd say.”

His companion was looking down into the crater. “What's beautiful?”

“The view.” The man turned and saw his companion getting on his hands and knees, looking down into the dusty darkness of the pit. “Szifa, get back up and stay away from that edge. You could fall.”

The man's companion, whose name was Szifa, rolled his eyes but stood back up anyway.“I tell you, Jerz, it's unnaturally dark, that crater.” he said.

The man, who Szifa had adressed as Jerz, looked into the crater himself, careful to stay away from the edge. He frowned, his brow wrinkling. “I don't know about you, but it seems like there's a...” Jerz struggled to find the right word, “...an absence of light.”

Szifa snorted. “Sounds like a definition of darkness.”

“No, it's like there isn't... like there is nothing in there.”

Szifa opened his mouth to reply, but the sound of a rock falling stopped his speech. “What was that?” he asked.

Jerz shrugged. “A rock.”

“A rock doesn't fall on its own.”

"Sure it does. If you're scared, then why don't we check it out? We still have an hour or so before we have to leave.”

The two walked in the direction of the sound, and despite Jerz's earlier skepticism, he was starting to get nervous. More sounds came from ahead of them, causing them to freeze. “What in the world?” Jerz whispered, his brain freezing in fear.

In an instant, everything turned to chaos. A strange wolf-beast burst out from beyond a rock, and sprinted towards them, a terrible yowling sound coming from its mouth.

Szifa gave a cry of surprise and stumbled backwards. Jerz stood frozen a second, and then turned to run. He tripped on a rock, sending both he and Szifa tumbling to the ground. As soon as they hit the ground, they were back up again, not caring where they were running, just that they had to get away.

Adrenaline pumped energy through their veins as they stumbled up to the rim of the crater. They reached the rim and turned. There was nowhere left to go, except over the edge.

The wolf was leaping at them, jaws open wide....

Szifa's hands closed on a sharp rock, raising it high.

The three figures, beast and man, human and wolf, collided.

And fell.



9 comments:

Squeaks said...

ooooo....sounds cool! The suspense has already captured me :P (except I must say I'm a bit freaked by the wolf thing...gives me the creeps!)

Squeaks.

Eldra said...

Yikes!!! The wolf beast reminds me of the warg riders from The Two Towers (movie). Creepy.

Are you going to post a new segment every day? 'CAUSE I REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!!!!

~God Bless~

Gwendolyn said...

Wondermous suspense. =) I like the story, and the setting...the wolf...the crater... Combined, it's enough to put the reader on the edge of his chair.

And...I don't know if you wanted criticism, but here it is. Take it or leave it, whichever you please. ^^ I'm not sure which point of view you were writing from, but it looks to me like we're seeing the scene through Jerz's eyes. You might want to clarify the POV, which would involve re-writing the first two paragraphs to be seen from Jerz's perspective, as well as a few other places. The other main problem with the scene is your use of the dread Wases. "The wolf WAS leaping..." It could flow a lot better and have much more impact if you eradicated the Wases from the scene.

Having said that, I now sit back to eagerly await the coming of the next segment.

Jake said...

@Everyone
I'm glad you like it! Yes, it will be posted daily, as I'm going to be scheduling the posts. And don't worry, there's more cliffhangers to come. :D

@Gwendolyn
Thanks for the advice! Yes, I actually have only done a short read-through edit of it, so it's pretty rough yet. But there's an enormous amount I can expand on, so I'm a bit apprehensive. :)

Wases are not my best point, unfortunately. I couldn't believe how much I depended on Was in my novel... I had nearly a thousand Wases, but I'm trying my best to eliminate them.

Eventually, I plan to revise, rewrite, and edit this story (although I am hard at work with other projects), so when I do that, I'll keep your advice in mind. Thanks again!

Jake said...

@Eldra
Oh, and just a tidbit no one needs; the wolf-thing is called an Ildrinn, although the characters never find this out. However, this means a lot more if you have read my novel. :)

Star-Dreamer said...

Cool Jakes! I have to agree with Gwendolyn that it would be a good idea to rewrite the first two paragraphs and probably clarify the POV. There's some really easy things you can do for this... really easy. Here's a quick suggestion that might help:

“My, it is beautiful. Well worth it, I'd say.”

His companion was looking down into the crater. “What's beautiful?”

(I would rewrite the above line: something to make the dialogue flow better. Probably something more like, "What's beautiful?" he companion asked, looking down into the crater)

“The view.” The man turned and saw his companion getting on his hands and knees, looking down into the dusty darkness of the pit. “Szifa, get back up and stay away from that edge. You could fall.”

The man's companion, whose name was Szifa, rolled his eyes but stood back up anyway.“I tell you, Jerz, it's unnaturally dark, that crater.” he said. (In this paragraph you don't need to tell us what the man's companion's name is: we can guess that from the dialogue.)

The man, who Szifa had adressed as Jerz, (the same goes for this section of text. If Szifa addressed the other man as Jerz, we can guess what thier names are without you haveing to tell us again. It helps the story flow. :D ) looked into the crater himself, careful to stay away from the edge. He frowned, his brow wrinkling. “I don't know about you, but it seems like there's a...” Jerz struggled to find the right word, “...an absence of light.”


Hope that helps some. Your story is interesting, btw. I would like to read more... when you find time to post it. :)

Jake said...

Thanks, Star-Dreamer! That helps a lot.

I'll use all of your suggestions when I get around to editing it. Thanks!

Andrew K. York said...

I read it! I like the names Jerz and Szifa but how do your pronounce them? I like the way they look on paper, but how do they sound?

ABOUT THE PIECE

It is well-written, but the conversation seems only a little bit unnatural... but, this is your first draft! IT IS VERY GOOD!!

When does the story take place

Jake said...

@Andrew

I'm glad you like the story! Jerz is pronounced (JERZ), and the J is pronounced as in Jake.

Szifa is pronounced (ZIFA).

And the story takes place out of this world. :D