Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Part 4 of The Dark King

That's right; point out any mistakes you may find... This is getting predictable. :D This part is a little shorter than the others, but it ends on (you guessed it!) a cliffhanger. :D

I appreciate any criticism... Er, maybe I should rephrase that... :D


The Dark King
Part Four

By Jake


A bloodcurdling yell split the night air.

Jarz sat up, body tense. He heard shouts and footsteps outside, and an unnaturally chilling breeze swept through the house.

Haas opened Jarz's door and hissed urgently, “Someone's attacking the town. Get outside!”

Jarz followed Haas and was met by Szifa, who nodded his head in a terse greeting.

The village was a turmoil of moving bodies. From the other side of the town came war cries and shouting, and women and children were being escorted out of the town on Jarz's side, away from the fighting.

Jarz found that a sword had been thrust into his hands, and he drew it, hoping he wouldn't have to use it. Beside him, Haas and Szifa did the same.

The cries suddenly stopped. A man emerged from the other side and yelled, “They've fled.”

Jarz heard Haas breathe a sigh of relief. Jarz gave Haas the sword he had been given, and started forward to the battle scene. A question formed in his mind, and Jarz turned.

He froze when he saw five shadowy, sinister shapes behind Haas. The middle one seemed to flicker and wave like a gray candleflame, and Jarz felt a stab of fear and panic. He felt an overwhelming urge to run and hide, to get as far away as possible from this foul being.

One of the men beside the gray being raisied a fire-blackened club. As Jarz watched in frozed horror, the man struck the club downward, and Haas fell to the ground limply, without a sound.

Jarz shook of his fear and gave a cry of alarm to warn the other people. At the sound, the figures picked up the unconsious Haas and fled.

Kadif appeared beside Jarz. “Where'd be Haas?” he asked, a worried tone in his voice.

Jarz felt sick. “They've... they've taken him.”

7 comments:

Squeaks said...

Chills and shivereens!! Too good! What happens next???

I'm holding on to the bottom of my chair in hopes that tomorrow will come without any nighttime attacks :S jk, good job though! I like the cliffhanger :)

Squeaks.

Jake said...

Thanks, Squeaks! Some parts of stories give you the shivers just writing them! I've gotten those a couple of times... :D

Squeaks said...

lol indeed! The worst was Isle of Fire (I think, or maybe it was Isle of Swords). The part where the villain was torturing the monk...now that sent shivers upon shivers in my brain. I'm not too keen on uber evil stuff :P But your writing is pretty good :)

Squeaks.

Eldra said...

Each part is getting better and better!! Now I can't wait for tomorrow to come, even though I have lot of things to do today!!!! AUGH!!

Jake said...

LOL! I gurantee that the best is yet to come... :D

Gwendolyn said...

Lovely! *applauds* Wonderful cliffhanger. And scaary. Those shadowy kidnappers are a bit chilling.

Again, I think it could be improved by a tad bit more 'showing' instead of 'telling'.

Here's waiting for tomorrow's update!

Jake said...

@Gwendolyn

Yep, I have a bit of trouble with telling... In fact, I always feel a bit disatisfied [wrong spelling, I think, sorry] when I read this part. Ah, the gift (and torture) of self-criticism. :D